ripped by antsh
[music]
- WHEN DID YOU FEEL IT BROKE FOR YOU,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, AUDIENCES WERE THERE AND BIGGER?
AND WHAT DO YOU THINK MADE THE DIFFERENCE?
- WELL, I KIND OF FELT LIKE I BROKE A FEW TIMES.
I KEPT THINKING I BROKE AND THEN KEPT GOING DOWN.
WHAT YOU START TO LEARN IS THAT--
YOU GET, "HEY, I GOT ON LETTERMAN."
NOBODY CARES.
"I GOT ON LETTERMAN AGAIN."
AND IT'S NOT--IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING ANYMORE.
YOU KNOW, "OH...
HEY, I GOT TO BE ON CONAN."
IT'S JUST NOT THAT INTERESTING ANYMORE.
AND ALL THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING.
LIKE, "OH, YOU KNOW--" AND YOU JUST KEEP--
"I GOT TO DIRECT A MOVIE!" EVERYBODY HATED IT.
[laughter]
ALL THIS STUFF, SO...
THE TIME IN BETWEEN IS WHAT DEFINES YOU, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW? BUT, UH, I GUESS WHEN I--
WHEN I STARTED DOING BITS ABOUT MY KIDS...
- YES. THAT--THAT CONNECTED WITH PEOPLE IN A BIG WAY.
- YEAH, AND THEN I DID AN HBO HALF-HOUR,
AND THEN LUCKY LOUIE.
- MM-HMM.
- LUCKY LOUIE FELT LIKE
"THIS IS A SHOT."
BUT I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW, IT'S NOT--
- WHAT HAPPENED ON THAT SHOW THAT DIDN'T WORK?
- WELL, I REALLY, UM,
I DECIDED THERE'S ONE--
THERE WERE WAYS TO DO THE SHOW
THAT IT WOULD DEFINITELY SUCCEED,
AND THERE'S WAYS TO DO THE SHOW
THAT I REALLY WANTED TO TRY
THAT WAS LIKELY TO KILL IT.
AND I TOOK THAT ROAD
BECAUSE IT WAS MORE FUN,
AND I DIDN'T MIND IF IT DIDN'T WORK ANYMORE.
IT'S, LIKE, KIND OF THE OPPOSITE.
IT'S A COUNTERINTUITIVE THING,
THAT THE MORE TIMES YOU GO UP AND THEN DOWN,
YOU START TO GO, "THIS IS ALL A BIG JAG-OFF."
I'M--YOU KNOW, DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
- BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE ANYWAY.
- NO, AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA PROBABLY GET TO WHERE YOU
IMAGINED YOU MIGHT. - YES.
- IT'S MORE FUN TO DO IT YOUR WAY
WHEN YOU FAIL AND WHEN YOU SUCCEED.
- I AGREE WITH THAT. - YOU KNOW?
AND ALSO, FAILING AIN'T THAT BAD.
THAT'S WHAT I MOSTLY LEARNED. WHEN I DID--
POOTIE TANG WAS THE HIGHEST- PROFILE PROJECT I'D EVER DONE.
- THAT WAS A MOVIE, RIGHT? - IT WAS A MOVIE.
AND IT GOT KILLED REALLY HARD.
THE CRITICS DESTROYED IT.
- UH-HUH. - AND IT WAS HUMILIATING.
IT WAS THE WORST. AND I WAS TOLD BY MY AGENT,
UM, "I--YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN MOVIES."
LIKE, AGENTS NEVER SAY BAD NEWS.
MY AGENT SAID, "I CAN NEVER GET YOU ANY MORE WORK."
[laughter]
AND I WAS LIKE, "FUCK. WOW."
- THAT'S TOUGH. - THAT'S INTENSE.
SO I WENT ON THE ROAD, DOING CLUBS.
AND AFTER A MONTH OF FEELING KIND OF BAD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED,
I DIDN'T CARE ANYMORE.
- DIRECTING YOUR SHOW WAS ONE OF THE PLEASURES OF MY LIFE.
THAT WAS THE MOST FUN SHOW THAT ANYONE COULD DO.
EVERYONE ALWAYS SAYS ABOUT YOU THAT
WHEN YOU'RE WORKING WITH NEWHART,
YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE THE BEST TIME,
AND THAT JUST HAPPENS TO BE THE TRUTH.
- [chuckling] IT WAS, UM...
YOU ESTABLISH THAT KIND OF--
THAT KIND OF SET. - YES.
- AND IT-- IT SHOWS ON CAMERA.
- YEAH. - JUST THAT EVERYBODY'S...
HAVING A GOOD TIME. - YEAH.
- AND THEN THAT LAST SHOW WAS THE ONE
THAT EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT THE--
WHERE YOU WAKE UP AND YOU HAVE SUZANNE PLESHETTE
FROM THE PREVIOUS SERIES WAKE UP IN THAT.
AND THAT'S ALMOST-- THAT'S PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST
ICONIC SHOWS EVER ON-- - THAT WAS GINNIE'S IDEA.
- REALLY? - THAT WAS--YEAH.
- GINNIE, YOUR WIFE. - MY WIFE.
- YEAH, RIGHT. - WELL--OH, THANK YOU.
[laughter]
- I'M TALKING-- - ALL DAY LONG, I'VE BEEN--
"WHAT IS HER NAME? WHAT--" AND THEN YOU, BANG.
YOU JUST... [laughter]
- SO, YEAH, SO TELL ME HOW GINNIE--HOW THIS CAME ABOUT.
- SHE SAID, "YOU OUGHT TO END IN A DREAM SEQUENCE."
BECAUSE THERE WAS SO MUCH THAT WAS INEXPLICABLE
ABOUT THE SHOW.
SHE SAID, "YOU SHOULD WAKE UP IN BED WITH SUZIE
AND EXPLAIN WHAT-- WHAT'S SO--"
AND I SAID, "WHAT A GREAT IDEA."
AND I GAVE THE IDEA TO THE WRITERS,
AND THEY FLESHED IT OUT WITH THE JAPANESE BUYING THE TOWN,
AND OUR NOT SELLING.
- [sighs]
[cheers and applause]
- ALL RIGHT, BOB.
WHAT IS IT?
- WELL, I-- I WAS AN INNKEEPER
IN THIS CRAZY LITTLE TOWN IN VERMONT.
- I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.
- NOTH--NOTHING MADE SENSE IN THIS PLACE.
I MEAN, THE-- THE MAID WAS AN HEIRESS.
HER HUSBAND TALKED IN ALLITERATION, THE--
THE HANDYMAN KEPT MISSING THE POINT OF THINGS.
AND THEN THERE WERE THESE THREE WOODSMEN.
BUT...
ONLY ONE OF THEM TALKED.
- THAT SETTLES IT.
NO MORE JAPANESE FOOD BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.
- THE ONLY COMEDIAN-- I'M NOT JUST SAYING THIS.
THE ONLY COMEDIAN THAT I HAVE SEEN LIVE
IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS-- TWICE--HAS BEEN YOU.
- WOW. - AND I DON'T GO OUT.
I DON'T GO SEE OTHER COMEDIANS.
- RIGHT.
- AND THEN WE SAW YOU IN TORONTO,
'CAUSE I WAS SHOOTING A SHOW IN TORONTO.
- MM-HMM. - AND I, YOU KNOW,
WHAT I REMEMBER ABOUT THE SHOW IN TORONTO
IS THERE WAS A-- IT WAS THE MOST, UH...
USAGE OF I--MASTURBATION, JACKING OFF ON STAGE--
- YEAH, I DID A LOT OF THAT.
- I SAID, "GOD, HIS ARM MUST BE SO TIRED JUST FROM--"
- YEAH, I DID A LOT OF THAT THEN.
[laughter]
I DID A LOT. I NEVER TALK ABOUT IT ON STAGE ANYMORE, REALLY.
- YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT-- - I JUST STOPPED.
I GOT TIRED OF IT.
- WELL, SURE, IT'S A SUBJECT THAT--
- YEAH, I'M REALLY SICK OF IT.
THIS YEAR, I HAD, LIKE, ONE JERK-OFF JOKE,
AND IT KIND OF--I FOUND IT KIND OF FELT GROSS.
I-I REALIZE HOW PEOPLE MUST FEEL
WATCHING ME DO IT.
'CAUSE I THOUGHT, "GOD, THIS IS REALLY GROSS
AND PERSONAL AND INTIMATE." - [laughing] YES.
- "AND IT'S REALLY CROSSING A BOUNDARY
TO BE TALKING ABOUT IT."
IT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE BACK THEN, I JUST WAS LIKE,
"HEY, MAN." I JUST DIDN'T CARE.
I JUST THOUGHT, "THIS IS GREAT TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
THIS IS SO LIBERATING." - YEAH.
- BUT I'VE CHANGED MY MIND. I THINK IT'S GROSS.
I THINK IT'S REALLY DISGUSTING TO TALK ABOUT ON STAGE.
- YOU KNOW, THAT SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY
IS GONNA KILL OFF A LOT OF CREATIVITY.
- YEAH, I KNOW. WELL, IT'S NOT REALLY--
IT'S JUST-- IT'S JUST I'VE SHIFTED.
THE WINDS HAVE SHIFTED WITH HOW I FEEL ABOUT JERKING OFF.
UM... [laughter]
IT SEEMS REALLY GROSS TO TALK ABOUT NOW.
- DOES ANYONE, LIKE, DO THEY TELL YOU FUNNY THINGS,
AND DO THEY LIKE TO SAY "DICK" AND--
AND IDENTIFY WITH YOU-- - YEAH, SOMETIMES.
BUT MOST PEOPLE DON'T-- THEY JUST WANT A PIC--
A LOT OF PEOPLE JUST WANT A PICTURE WITH YOU.
THAT'S THE NEW THING. - YES.
- AND I DON'T LIKE TAKING PICTURES WITH PEOPLE.
THAT FEELS WEIRD TO ME. THAT FEELS ODD,
AND IT DOESN'T FEEL NORMAL. - YEAH.
- AND SO I DON'T DO IT.
IT'S THE ONE THING I-- THE WAY I MANAGE IT
IS I DON'T TAKE PICTURES WITH PEOPLE.
THEY COME UP, USUALLY, WITH A PHONE IN THEIR HAND,
AND THEY SAY, "I'M A BIG FAN. CAN I GET A PICTURE?"
AND I GO, "NO, I'M NOT GONNA TAKE A PICTURE."
AND THEY LOOK SHOCKED, BUT I ALWAYS SAY--
THEN ONCE I'VE GOT-- ESTABLISHED THAT BOUNDARY
THAT I WON'T TAKE THE PICTURE... - YEAH.
- I FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH TALKING TO THEM.
- SURE. - SO I GO, "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
I ALWAYS SHAKE THEIR HAND, ASK THEM THEIR NAME,
AND I'LL SPEND SOME TIME WITH THEM.
'CAUSE EVERYBODY'S INTERESTING. - SURE.
- AND I ALWAYS SEE THEM LOOK A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED
THAT THEY DIDN'T GET A PICTURE,
BUT THEN, AS I SPEND TIME WITH THEM,
WHICH WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED IF WE TOOK A PICTURE...
- YES. - THEY AL--
ABOUT 80% OF THE PEOPLE LEAVE HAPPY.
AND I'M HAPPY. - YES.
- 20% ARE LIKE, "I WANTED A PICTURE."
AND, UH, THEY'RE DISAPPOINTED, AND I--
BUT I'M HAPPY BECAUSE I DON'T--
IF--YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME DO SOMETHING
I DON'T WANT TO DO, "A,"
AND YOU THINK YOU SHOULD GET EVERYTHING YOU WANT...
- YES.
- SO I DON'T MIND DISAPPOINTING YOU.
I'VE JUST GIVEN YOU SOMETHING THAT YOU PROBABLY NEEDED TO GET
AT SOME POINT IN YOUR LIFE ANYWAY.
- [laughing] YES. THERE--
- YOU KNOW? - THEY ANNOY YOU,
WHICH IS BECAUSE YOU'RE GIVING THEM EVERYTHING,
AND THEY'RE-- - IT'S NOT WHAT THEY WANTED.
THEY REALLY JUST WANTED A PICTURE FOR FACEBOOK.
- YES, RIGHT. - SO NOW I JUST--
IT DISA--IT EVAPORATES MY FEELING OF RESPONSIBILITY,
'CAUSE THIS PERSON'S A DICK.
- YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT.
[laughter]
- I'D LIKE TO BE A BETTER PERSON.
AND I THINK I'M GETTING WORSE AS A PERSON.
BECAUSE, AS YOU GET OLDER, YOU START FINDING OUT--
LIKE, LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE BEFORE I TELL--
I WAS--I RENTED A CAR A COUPLE WEEKS AGO
IN LOS ANGELES, HAD THE CAR FOR A FEW DAYS.
AND THEN WHEN I WENT HOME, I HAD TO DROP THE CAR
AT THE RENTAL PL-- YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA GO
TO THE RENTAL PLACE THAT'S OFF THE AIRPORT.
GIVE THEM THE CAR, GIVE THEM YOUR THING WITH THE MILEAGE.
YOU GOTTA GET ON A BUS
AND THEN GO TO YOUR TERMINAL AND CHECK IN.
I WAS LATE, AND I WAS WORRIED ABOUT MISSING MY FLIGHT.
SO I KNEW I HAD NO TIME TO DO ANY OF THAT.
SO I JUST-- I NEVER DID THIS BEFORE.
I JUST DROVE MY CAR RIGHT TO THE TERMINAL
AND JUST LEFT IT THERE. [laughter]
[laughing] AND I GOT ON THE PLANE.
AND ONCE I WAS ON THE PLANE, AND I HAD A LITTLE MOMENT,
I CALLED HERTZ, AND I SAID, "HEY, LISTEN,
"YOUR CAR IS SITTING OUT IN FRONT OF TERMINAL FOUR,
AND THE KEYS ARE IN IT, SO THAT'S WHERE IT IS."
AND THE GUY'S LIKE, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
YOU HAVE TO RETURN IT TO THIS LOCATION AND THEN GET--"
AND I GO, "WELL, I DIDN'T DO THAT ALREADY,
"AND NOW I'M LEAVING CALIFORNIA.
"SO IF YOU WANT YOUR CAR, YOU NEED TO GO TO THAT PLACE
WHERE IT IS."
AND HE WAS LIKE, "OH, JESUS, MAN!
ALL RIGHT. WE'LL GET IT."
AND HE... THAT WAS THE END OF IT!
AND I REALIZED I COULD DO THIS EVERY TIME.
- WHEN YOU STARTED OUT, I WAS IN CHICAGO.
AND, UH, AND I WOULD LISTEN TO DAN SORKIN,
AND HE WOULD PLAY YOUR ALBUM.
- YEAH. - UH, AND I HEARD THAT
FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND IT WAS A NEW KIND OF COMEDY,
BECAUSE NO ONE EVER JUST TALKED COMFORTABLY
AND INTELLIGENTLY TO THE AUDIENCE
WITHOUT HOLLERING AT THEM.
- I'VE HAD IN MIND FOR SOME TIME
A DOCUMENTARY I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU ABOUT.
IT'S A--A TELEVISION SHOW
DEDICATED TO SOME MEN WHO NEVER KNOW
IF, WHEN THEY GO TO WORK, THEY'LL RETURN HOME THAT NIGHT.
UH, AS YOU PROBABLY GUESSED,
I'M TALKING ABOUT AMERICA'S DRIVING INSTRUCTORS.
AND, UH, IF I MAY, I'D LIKE TO PRESENT
THE FIRST EPISODE IN THIS NEW TV SERIES.
ALL RIGHT, YOUR LANE IS CLEAR NOW.
YOU WANNA-- YOU WANNA PULL OUT?
THAT--THAT'S THE WAY. ALL RIGHT, NOW,
LET'S GET UP A BIT MORE SPEED.
AND--AND EASE IT INTO SECOND.
[laughs]
WELL, YOU SEE, I DIDN'T WANT TO COVER "REVERSE" THIS EARLY.
UH...
[laughter]
NO, THAT'S-- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
AS LONG AS YOU'VE SHIFTED IT INTO IT.
[chuckles]
THE--THE HONKING?
OH, OH, JUST DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THE HONKING.
YOU'RE--YOU'RE DOING FINE.
YOU'RE NOT BLOCKING ANYONE'S LANE.
YOU SEE, MRS. WEBB,
AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE ON THE SAFETY ISLAND,
YOU'RE--YOU'RE NOT...
[laughter]
[applause]
ALL RIGHT, UM...
LET'S--LET'S PRACTICE SOME TURNS NOW.
UH, THE IMPORTANT THING ON TURNS
IS NOT TO MAKE 'EM TOO SHARP.
YOU WANT TO JUST KIND OF MAKE IT GRADUAL.
WELL--WELL, NOW, THAT WAS FINE.
THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL TURN, BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
FOR A WOMAN WITH ONLY TWO LESSONS, WASN'T IT?
THAT'S AN AMAZING TURN.
ONE--ONE LITTLE THING.
UH...I ALMOST HATE TO BRING IT UP,
IT WAS SUCH AN EXCELLENT TURN.
THIS IS A ONE-WAY STREET, MISS, UH...
[laughter]
WELL, ACTUALLY, I SUPPOSE YOU COULD SAY
IT WAS PARTIALLY MY FAULT, YOU SEE.
BUT YOU WERE IN THE LEFT-HAND LANE,
AND YOU YOU WERE SIGNALING LEFT, AND, UH...
I JUST MORE OR LESS ASSUMED YOU WERE GOING TO TURN LEFT.
[laughter]
- WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER ABOUT THAT TIME?
- THERE WAS A SEA CHANGE IN COMEDY THAT, UM--
NO ONE GOT TOGETHER AND SAID,
"WE'RE ALL-- WE'RE GONNA CHANGE COMEDY."
WE JUST FOUND ANOTHER WAY OF DOING COMEDY.
AND MIKE AND ELAINE AND SHELLEY BERMAN AND MYSELF
AND JOHNNY WINTERS AND LENNY BRUCE AND MORT SAHL.
IT PRESUMED AN INTELLIGENCE ON THE PART--
ON THE AUDIENCE'S PART.
- YOUR ALBUM WAS SO SIGNIFICANT,
AND I WAS A COLLEGE GUY AND VERY YOUNG,
AND IT MADE A DIFFERENCE.
I THOUGHT, "WOW, IS THIS WHAT STAND-UP COMEDY IS?
IT'S SORT OF INTERESTING."
I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT IT, BUT--
- WELL, WHAT HAPPENED WAS,
THE WARNER BROTHERS PEOPLE WERE COMING THROUGH CHICAGO,
AND THEY CALLED ON DAN, AND DAN SAID,
"I HAVE THIS FRIEND OF MINE I THINK'S VERY FUNNY,"
MEANING ME.
HE PLAYED A TAPE FOR THE WARNER BROTHER PEOPLE.
AND THEY SAID, "OKAY, WE LIKE IT.
"WE'LL GIVE YOU A RECORDING CONTRACT,
AND WE'LL RECORD YOU AT YOUR NEXT NIGHTCLUB."
AND I SAID, "WELL, SEE, WE HAVE A PROBLEM THERE.
UH, 'CAUSE I NEVER PLAYED A NIGHTCLUB."
- RIGHT. RIGHT. - AND THEY SAID,
"WELL, THEN, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET YOU INTO A NIGHTCLUB."
AND I--IT TOOK THEM ALMOST A YEAR
TO FIND A CLUB THAT WOULD TAKE A CHANCE
ON SOMEBODY WHO HAD NEVER PLAYED A NIGHTCLUB.
- MM-HMM. - BUT, ANYWAY, THERE WAS A PLACE
CALLED THE TIDELANDS IN HOUSTON--
IN HOUSTON, TEXAS.
AND THEY BOOKED ME UP FOR TWO WEEKS.
AND I WALKED OUT-- I'LL NEVER FORGET, TERRIFIED.
ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED. - MM-HMM.
- SO I JUST MUSTERED UP ALL THE BRAVADO I COULD
FOR TWO WEEKS...
[laughing] PRETENDING I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING.
- YES. - UH, SHORTLY AFTER THAT,
PLAYED THE ELMWOOD CASINO IN CANADA.
DIED EVERY NIGHT.
TWO SHOWS A NIGHT FOR A WEEK.
- THE CANADIANS DIDN'T GO WITH IT?
- IT WENT-- THEY WERE VERY POLITE.
THEY WERE VERY NICE.
BUT THEY DIDN'T LOOK UP, YOU KNOW?
[laughter] THEY JUST WERE LIKE...
"UH, NO, HE'S STILL TALKING I THINK. OH."
[laughter]
SO THAT ALMOST DROVE ME BACK TO ACCOUNTING.
BUT THEN, I PLAYED WINNIPEG,
RANCHO DON CARLOS.
- I KNOW IT VERY WELL. - YOUR HOMETOWN.
- MY HOMETOWN. - BUT THAT WENT WELL,
SO THEN I SAID, "OKAY, WELL, MAYBE I'LL STAY
IN THIS BUSINESS..."
- A LITTLE BIT LONGER. - YEAH.
- AND YOU ALSO ARE A BUSINESS PARAGON IN COMEDY.
- I KNOW. - YOU HAVE CHANGED THE WAY
PEOPLE WILL BE DOING THINGS, REALLY.
Y-YOU--I BELIEVE THAT WHAT YOU DID
BY OWNING YOUR OWN SHOW, GOING ON THE INTERNET,
SELLING IT DIRECTLY TO THE CUSTOMER,
WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING.
AND IT'S JUST--AND IT SHOULD'VE BEEN DONE YEARS AGO.
- I WAS IN A POSITION WHERE I WAS MAKING MY SHOW.
I HAD A PRODUCTION COMPANY. - YEAH.
- AND I WAS A HIGHLY WATCHED COMEDIAN.
SO I HAD A CHANCE TO DO IT ANY WAY I WANTED TO.
SO I THOUGHT, "LET'S TRY THIS."
AND, BY THE WAY, IF IT HADN'T WORKED,
I COULD HAVE JUST THEN SOLD IT TO SHOWTIME
OR HBO-- IT WOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED.
- OF COURSE, RIGHT, 'CAUSE YOU HAD THE ACT
AND YOU HAD A-- - AND I'M CURIOUS.
I'M CURIOUS TO SEE HOW STUFF WORKS.
I REALLY--TO ME, I WAS FEELING--
I FELT LIKE A SCIENTIST. IT WAS LIKE, "LET'S--
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE DID IT LIKE THIS?"
UM, AND IT REALLY, REALLY WORKED.
IT WAS CRAZY.
- NOW, THE OTHER THING IS, IS THOUGH--
YOU'RE GIVING AWAY YOUR ACT.
- YEAH.
- SO YOU HAVE TO THEN, WHEN YOU GO ON THE ROAD.
- YEAH, I GOT A NEW ONE.
- YOU GOT A NEW ONE? - YEAH, ALL THE JOKES
ON THAT SPECIAL ARE BURNED NOW.
- SO WHAT'S THE PROCESS?
DO YOU GO TO LITTLE CLUBS, STILL?
DO YOU GO SOMEPLACE TO TRY SOMETHING OUT?
- YES, I GO TO CLUBS IN NEW YORK,
AND SOMETIMES I GO TO L.A. TO DO IT,
TO PLACES LIKE LARGO. - MM-HMM.
- I USUALLY START THE YEAR
WITH, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES OF JOKES.
- MM-HMM. - SO I'LL DO TEN MINUTES,
WHICH IS FIVE MINUTES OF JOKES,
FIVE MINUTES OF JUST KIND OF HEAVING AND BOMBING AND...
- YES. - SWEATING.
- YEAH, IT'S THE ODDEST JOB IN THE WORLD
BECAUSE YOU ONLY SUCCEED BY FAILING.
- THAT'S RIGHT. - IT--IT'S--
- YEAH, YOU HAVE TO SWEAT IT OUT.
- YOU HAVE TO SWEAT IT OUT. - YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BAD--
YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BAD TIME,
AND IF YOU'RE AFRAID TO BE BAD,
UH, THEN YOU WON'T-- - YOU WON'T--
- YOU WON'T DEVELOP. - RIGHT.
- A LOT OF COMEDIANS, THEY GET THROUGH--
THEY HAVE THEIR YEAR OF THAT, OF DEVELOPING THEIR ACT,
AND ONCE THEY HAVE A SAFE 45 MINUTES,
THEY'RE LIKE, "I AIN'T MOVING ANYWHERE.
I AIN'T GONNA FEEL LIKE THAT AGAIN."
AND THAT WAS ME FOR A LOT OF YEARS.
- YEAH. - AND THEN I REALIZED
I HAVE TO INVITE THE AWFUL,
'CAUSE THAT'S THE SOUP.
THAT'S WHERE THIS SHIT IS MADE.
- YES, YEAH, IT'S, UH...
THIS PROCESS OF HAVING TO BE BAD...
- YEAH. - WHEN YOU'RE MORE FAMOUS,
IS IT EASIER TO BE BAD THAN LESS FAMOUS?
- NO, 'CAUSE YOU HAVE PRESSURE.
EVERYTHING IS A ZERO-SUM GAME.
SO IT'S LIKE, UH, THEY'RE REALLY EXCITED
WHEN YOU GET ON STAGE. - THEY'RE HAPPY TO SEE YOU.
- YEAH, THEY GO CRAZY. - YEAH, THEY GO CRAZY.
SO THEY'RE GIVING YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
IN A WAY THAT YOU NEVER HAD IT.
- YOU GET IT FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS.
- YES, EXACTLY. - AND AFTER THAT,
WITH STAND-UP, YOU JUST CAN'T DO IT.
- NO, NO, IT'S TRUE.
- YOU GET ONE-JOKE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT,
AND YOU CAN ACTUALLY BURN IT COMPLETELY WITH THAT JOKE.
- YES. - IF THE JOKE DOESN'T WORK,
YOU'RE--THEY REALLY--
THEY'RE REALLY PISSED OFF NOW.
'CAUSE THEY'RE LIKE, "THIS FUCKIN' GUY
IS PROBABLY RICH."
[laughter]
"AND THIS GUY IS WASTING MY TIME."
AND ALSO, PEOPLE LOVE SAYING--
WHAT THEY WOULD LOVE TO SAY--
PEOPLE REALLY ENJOY SAYING, "I GOT TO SEE...
GREAT COMEDIAN 'X'..." - RIGHT.
- "AND I HAD-- AND HE WAS REALLY GREAT."
BUT THEY LOVE TO SAY,
"I SAW THAT GUY. HE SUCKED.
I SAW HIM." - YES.
"HE'S NOT THAT GOOD."
THAT FEELS GOOD TO SAY.
I LIKE SAYING THAT ABOUT SOMEBODY.
THAT'S FUN TO SAY THAT.
SO IT ACTUALLY-- SOMETIMES WHEN YOU GO UP
AND YOU GET THAT-- IF YOU WERE--
YOU GET THAT BIG CHEER, YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO...
YOU WANT THEM TO FEEL THAT WAY.
YOU WANT TO GET IT BEHIND THEM.
- YES, YES. - BEHIND THE EIGHT BALL.
IF YOU WANT TO GET A REAL TEST OF YOUR MATERIAL,
YOU NEED TO SEE IT FIGHT UPSTREAM.
- YES. - IF YOU'RE RIDING THE CREST
OF APPLAUSE,
AND YOU TELL A BUNCH OF JOKES,
AND THEY LAUGH...
YOU HAVEN'T REALLY LEARNED ANYTHING
AND YOUR MATERIAL ISN'T GETTING ANY BETTER.
- YES. - BUT IF YOU CAN SAY ONE THING
TO PI--JUST KIND OF MAKE THEM UNHAPPY,
AFTER THEY'VE APPLAUDED, YOU KNOW?
LIKE, "I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE APPLAUDING."
OR, YOU KNOW, "YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS," OR SOMETHING,
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, THEY'RE LIKE, "UGH."
AND THEN I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET TO WORK."
[laughter] - YES.
- YEAH, SO NOW THE JOKES HAVE TO--
NOW, THEY WILL ONLY LAUGH
IF THEY'RE LIKE, "OKAY, THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY.
I DON'T LIKE THIS GUY RIGHT NOW, BUT THAT SHIT IS FUNNY."
- YES.
- NOW YOU'RE GETTING A TRUE TEST.
- AND NOW--NOW, THE CURRENT SHOW
IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT SHOW. - MM-HMM.
- AND--AND IT'S ALL YOU-- IT'S ALL YOURS.
WERE YOU EMBARRASSED A LITTLE BIT
TO BE EDITOR, DIRECTOR, WRITER, PRODUCER,
STAR, SERVE THE COFFEE, YOU KNOW?
- I WASN'T EMBARRASSED, 'CAUSE I REALLY LOVE
ALL THOSE JOBS, AND I FELT LIKE I WAS DOING
THEM ALL COMPETENTLY.
SO...YEAH. I MEAN, I FIGURED, AGAIN,
"YOU GUYS CAN KICK ME OUT ANY TIME YOU WANT.
UH, THIS IS HOW I FEEL LIKE DOING IT."
I ENJOY ALL THOSE JOBS. I LOVE THEM.
- AND THE OTHER THING I NOTICED THAT I REALLY LIKE ABOUT IT
IS THAT YOU'RE THE PERSON WHO TALKS THE LEAST IN THE SHOW.
- YEAH, YEAH. - THAT'S--
THAT IS A GREAT CHOICE SO FAR AS I'M--
BECAUSE THERE'S SUCH PRESENCE
TO EVERYTHING FALLING ON YOU
WITHOUT YOU JUST HAVING TO BE GLIB AND LITERATE,
WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS ON ALL THE OTHER SHOWS.
- THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH, THEY USUALLY GIVE
A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY TO THE LEAD GUY,
BUT I'M--THE SHOW IS ABOUT THINGS THAT I SEE, I THINK.
- YEAH. - SO ALL YOU JUST SEE ME
IS LOOKING AT STUFF.
- WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND?
- YOU KNOW, NOTHING. THERE'S NOTHING.
- OKAY, WELL, I KNOW IT'S ABOUT ME. I KNOW THAT.
- WHY DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW THAT?
- BECAUSE YOU HAVE ZERO PROBLEM TELLING ME
ANYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, EXCEPT WHEN IT'S ABOUT ME.
RIGHT? AND THEN I'VE GOT TO DRAG IT OUT OF YOU.
SOMETHING IS WRONG. RIGHT?
RIGHT. NOW...
OKAY, LET'S SEE.
UM, YOU ARE DEPRESSED.
YOU FEEL LIKE I'M PUSHING TOO HARD.
YOU ARE SCARED OF GOING TO MY MOM'S HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING.
YOU JUST WANT TO BREAK UP WITH ME AND--
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?
- NO. THAT'S CR--NO! THAT'S CRAZY.
- OH, MY GOD, LOUIE...
YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME.
- NOW, SO I THOUGHT,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ADMIT THIS AT ONE POINT
IN THAT SCENE. - RIGHT.
- YOU DIDN'T. - NEVER.
- IT WAS SO--I--
- I MADE HER SAY ALL OF IT.
- YOU MADE HER SAY ALL OF IT.
- YEAH, THAT'S SUCH AN AWFUL, AWFUL WAY TO ACT.
I HAVE BROKEN UP WITH PEOPLE IN THE PAST,
AND I'M--I'M PRETTY GOOD AT COMMUNICATING.
SO IT WASN'T ME. AND THEN I STARTED WRITING IT,
AND I THOUGHT ABOUT THE WAY I'VE BROKEN UP WITH PEOPLE,
AND I THOUGHT, "THIS IS BORING."
BUT IF I'M AN IDIOT, IF I DO IT WRONG,
THAT'S WAY MORE FUN.
- SO DO YOU STILL DO STAND-UP? - YEAH.
- YOU DO? - YEAH.
- AMAZING. WHERE DO YOU DO IT?
- AT HOME, PRETTY MUCH. SO...SO...
- YOU KNOW, WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME TO DO STAND-UP,
AND I SAY, "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD IT IS
TO DO THIS THING."
SO WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE DOING--
- BUT YOU SHOULDN'T-- YOU SHOULDN'T TELL PEOPLE THAT.
THAT'S OUR SECRET. - YES, RIGHT.
- DON'T--WELL, NOW IT'S OUT.
- NOW IT'S OUT, YEAH.
THEY THINK THAT IT'S JUST-- YOU GO OUT THERE,
AND THEY THINK IT'S JUST COMING UP,
AND YOU'RE MAKING IT UP AT THAT TIME, RIGHT.
- NO, OR-- "WE JUST WANT FIVE MINUTES."
FIVE MINUTES OR AN HOUR, IT'S THE SAME TH--
IT'S THE SAME THING. - IT'S AS HARD TO DO--
- IT'S THE SAME FEAR.
[both laugh] - YES.
AND YOU NEVER LOSE THE FEAR. ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
- NO. I WAS ASKED--
I WAS GOING TO APPEAR SOMEWHERE,
AND I'D NEVER BEEN ASKED IT IN THIS WAY BEFORE.
THE WOMAN SAID, UH...
"WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING AT 6:00
BEFORE THE SHOW AT 8:00?"
AND I SAID, "I'LL BE PACING."
- [laughs] YES. - AND SHE SAID,
"AFTER 52 YEARS, YOU'LL BE PACING?"
- I SAID, "YES, I PACED WHEN I FIRST--
FIRST TIME I EVER WALKED ON STAGE, AND..."
BUT IT'S LIKE A FRIEND. - YES.
- IT'S LIKE... - YES.
- FEAR IS A FRIEND. - YES.
- AND IT ISN'T FEAR, IT'S APPREHENSION.
AND THEN I REALIZED, IT'S LIKE THE SCENE FROM THE DEER HUNTER.
YOU KNOW, WITH CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
AND, YOU KNOW, SPINNING THE--
- THEY'RE PLAYING WITH THE-- RUSSIAN ROULETTE, RIGHT.
- AND YOU SAY, "OH, THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN DOING IT.
"'CAUSE--OH, GREAT, THE BULLET ISN'T IN THE CHAMBER.
LET'S GO HAVE A DRINK."
- [laughing] YES.
YES, IT'S HARD TO REALIZE THAT YOU NEVER KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO GET FROM AN AUDIENCE,
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES THAT YOU'VE DONE.
- I PLAYED A PLACE--
I WON'T MENTION THE PLACE--
BUT I DO A THING
ABOUT COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC.
AND I JUST EXPLAIN THAT, YOU KNOW, I KNOW PEOPLE ENJOY
COUNTRY AND WE-- I'M FROM CHICAGO.
I REALLY-- IT'S AN ACQUIRED TASTE.
- MM-HMM.
- AND I DON'T IN ANY WAY
MEAN TO DENIGRATE COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC,
AND...FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ENJOY
COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC,
"DENIGRATE" WOULD BE, LIKE, TO MAKE FUN OF IT...
[laughter]
OR TO PUT IT DOWN IN SOME WAY, BUT--
I TOLD THAT STORY, AND NOTHING.
- OH, WELL... - NOTHING AT ALL.
THEY HAD NO IDEA WHAT "DENIGRATE" MEANT.
NOW--AND I'M ONLY ABOUT 15 MINUTES INTO MY ACT.
SO NOW I HAVE TO-- AS I'M DOING THE REST OF IT,
I HAVE TO FAST-FORWARD TO SEE IF I HAVE
ANY OTHER BIG WORDS COMING UP.
[laughter]
- SO YOU DON'T NEED THE MONEY.
YOU DON'T NEED... ANYTHING.
WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO DO IT?
- I CAN'T--I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE NOT DOING IT.
I-I JUST-- - YEAH.
- YOU KNOW, TO--THE ALTERNATIVE IS SUNSET BOULEVARD.
YOU KNOW? - YES.
- YOU SIT IN A DARKENED ROOM,
AND SOMEONE COMES IN-- ERICH VON STROHEIM--
AND HE ASKS WHAT EPISODE OF THE BOB NEWHART SHOW
YOU WANNA WATCH TODAY, AND... [laughter]
- WELL, I-I DOUBT THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
I LEARNED SO MUCH WORKING WITH YOU.
I LEARNED ABOUT JUST HOW COMFORTABLE A SET IS
WHEN IT'S SOMEONE LIKE YOU RUNNING IT.
I ALSO LEARNED THAT YOU COULD HIDE YOUR LINES
ANYWHERE ON THE SET AND NO ONE WOULD KNOW
WHERE IT WOULD BE.
SOMEONE WOULD WALK BY,
AND ON HIS BACK WOULD BE,
"ASK..." DA DA DA DA DA DA.
AND YOU WOULD-- AND YOU WOULD GET THE LINES.
- IT BECAME AN ART FORM. IT REALLY DID.
- YOU WERE-- - NOW, ONE TIME, UH,
IN THE BOB NEWHART SHOW,
AND I WAS CROSSING TO THE LITTLE BREAKFAST AREA
WE HAD, REMEMBER? - YES.
- AND I HAD MY LINES ON THE BACK OF THIS CEREAL BOX.
BUT THEY--IT WAS TURNED-- IT WAS FACING THE WRONG WAY.
SO, AS I'M CROSSING... - YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR LINES.
- I REALIZE, THOUGH, I GO AND I REACH THE BOX,
AND I TURN IT AROUND.
NOW...WHAT REASON WOULD ANYONE HAVE
TO TURN A CEREAL BOX AROUND?
IT'S--BUT MY-- MY LINES WERE ON IT,
AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.
- WELL, I DIDN'T HAVE TO READ ANY CEREAL BOXES
TO INTERVIEW YOU.
YOU KNOW I-- I'VE LOVED YOU FOR YEARS.
AND THANK YOU AGAIN FOR THAT, BOB.
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU, DAVID.
[applause]
- AND I-I-I, AS ONE OF YOUR FANS,
AM GRATEFUL THAT YOU'RE HERE TODAY...
- THANK YOU. - AND YOU'RE DOING THIS WITH ME.
AND I-I SO ADMIRE YOUR APPROACH.
IT'S JUST TOTALLY, COMPLETELY UNIQUE.
- THANKS. - AND THANKS SO MUCH.
- THANK YOU.
- GREAT. [applause]
- ALL RIGHT, THEN. ALL RIGHT.